[dropcap]I[/dropcap] spend hours looking for perfection; I'm a perfectionist with a bit of OCD, after all. It's a bad thing to get into with one thing because soon you'll be doing it with everything in life. Right now, I do look for everything in my life to be perfect, trying every day to make things perfect and always hoping that the day will end up that way.
But it never becomes reality.
In the end, I'm disappointed. Maybe I should be more cynical in my outlook of things, but I like my idealistic viewpoints. I've always enjoyed looking at something and hoping that it would turn out perfect, whether it be with a girl or just a blog post like this. (Please note that I'm not putting those two things on the same level.)
I suppose it could be (and actually has been) said that I take everything too seriously. I see what people mean when they tell me this, but I don't see myself living a different, more optimistic and good-spirited way. This is not to say that I don't have any sense of humor for it's but the opposite. I like humor -- it cheers me up when I'm down. Sadly, life isn't all humor; though the sitcoms of this day are there to make sure we remember that it can be.
I hate those days where I forget how good life can be and instead look at how annoying everyone in my life is. It's those times when I just want to leave everything and take a break from living this life. What's strange is that such a thing can happen just a day after all was going well. Tables can turn so fast with just one iota of sadness that can ruin your whole day and sometimes a few after that.
Now I have to look forward to the future. Tomorrow is the future -- tomorrow is the Worldwide Developers Conference. I want tomorrow to be better than today and I want to make it perfect, but if I keep thinking about how perfect I want it to be, I remember that deep down, I'm expecting something bad to happen. Call me a crazy pessimist if you want -- I know it's contradictory to my prior idealistic attitude and I suppose things just change a lot depending on the situation.
Everything was going so smoothly just a few days ago. Now it seems like that one little bump in the road has caused my life to fall down a cliff, down near the bottom of the ocean. I want to float back up to shore, but now it seems like nothing is going to give me the air to survive. Instead, I'll have to wait and give things time -- that's the hardest part for me, a person of little patience.
I scrap so many projects because they're not exactly what I want to write or because I spend hours looking for the perfect opening paragraph or title. I could waste all my time trying to fix everything in my life, trying to attain that "perfect" standard that I want, but it'd all be to waste in the end because my standard would change, knowing my capricious past.
Stupidly, it's always about what I want, not what would ever be of benefit to anyone else. I waste everyone's time to please my perfectionism only to find out that it's not as perfect as I thought it was the day I started. What a great way to squander days of my life away, reducing all productivity and procrastinating beyond all things.
Oh so confusing, it is. And the story isn't even over yet. I could write for hours about the stupid things I've done trying to find the perfect thing to do. In the light of all you've read though, nothing has changed. I'm still the obstinate fool who needs to fix his "I want this to be perfect" attitude. Perfect is just like anything else too: you define it. I may think something is perfect, but someone else may completely oppose my views. Then what? Was it all to waste or am I just going crazy?
Yeah I'm probably going crazy, but hey, this is a blog after all.