I, similar to Kate Monreau of White Collar, like the classics. The Count of Monte Cristo is one of my favorites, but there are others, like Alexandre Dumas’ The Three Musketeers. It’s a true gem and a masterpiece, unlike most of the motion picture adaptions. Now I’ve never seen the original film from 1948, and this isn’t usual since I’ve even watched all of The Adventures of Robin Hood from 1955. I’ve also not heard much about it. My favorite version of Dumas’ classic is the 1993 Disney film. That was the first one I saw and should have been the last, but no.

Titles on the French front were due for a refresh, apparently, as last year director Paul W.S. Anderson thought it was time to give this “legend” the “new beginning” it “has”, or so the tagline goes. “Every legend has a new beginning.” Whatever the reason, I finally got around to watching Anderson’s edition and have some impressions for you to read.

Caution: there are spoilers.

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]hings start out action-packed, but soon slow as the main characters are drugged by an enemy after being double-crossed. After that, the storyline becomes generic, with a slight twist of there being a da Vinci airship landing out of nowhere. (I’m joking: it was obviously bound to happen once the Duke made his way to Paris.) Regardless of the many plot holes, not much else in this film holds up well.

The costume design is great, but a bit ridiculous at times. For instance, the “King” wears clothes only fit for an idiot; but he’s an ignoramus, so I guess it fits. Most hilarious of all, he grows a mustache and goatee overnight and puts on his top hat, which is by far the most ridiculous of his apparel. The Duke of Buckingham, played by Pirates of the Caribbean actor Orlando Bloom, has quite the haircut in his descent from his airship. It’s so modern that you can’t help but laugh at how egotistical he is with such a coiffure. Then there’s those fluffy trousers all the proper men love wearing. The Duke displays them better than most.

Speaking of Buckingham’s wardrobe, it gets even more amusing once the predictable story begins to unravel at just past the hour-point. The Duke wears attire fitting of pirate at his castle. I can barely tell him apart from Will Turner. At least he makes it easy with his risible antagonist routine.

As for the women of the film, their costumes are exactly what Hollywood seems to love these days: lots of cleavage. I’m not partial to such content myself, especially when every woman in the film shows off her breasts in such a manner. The director must have thought, “Well, we’re going to have to appeal to people some other way than special effects because even that won’t give this story a breath of fresh air.” Sadly, he failed even at that. Even when Milady de Winter strips down to her undergarments — apparently you must do so if you wish to be an acrobatic thief — she only becomes trifling and an annoyance at best. Every “proper” woman is suited up like a tavern girl in this film.

“Get into trouble. Fight, love: live.” — D’Artagnan’s father

Comical is not a word to describe The Three Musketeers. Humor is fine, but asking someone to speak French when using an English accent is a bit much. I’m not sure where they got the accents from or why they even bother to use them. It’s especially entertaining when the Cardinal uses words like “rendezvous” to sound more French. He even emphasizes them to make sure you understand that they’re foreign words, in case your education is faulty.

The stereotypical Milady de Winter betraying everyone is overdone. She tramps around throughout the entire film like she’s in charge of everything. In some scenes, it seems like she’s the Cardinal and the real one is just a pawn being moved around his precious chess board. And speaking of the game, the writers thought it was fitting to use the cliché that Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows did: give the arch-nemesis a crafty game to play to make him appear all the more evil. It doesn’t work anymore, so stop trying.

The dialogue is forced, along with many of the jokes. Things seem overacted and profanity is just pointless the way the actors use it. The profanity is also misplaced. Aramis even prayed The Lord’s Prayer backwards. I have no idea why anyone would want to do that. An alternative, perhaps? There are many other cheesy lines like, “Handles like a dream and keeps me one step closer to Heaven”. That’s how the Duke of Buckingham described his airship: oh how smooth the man is with words.

The humor is trying too hard to appeal to this generation. It fails. I did, however, find the Queen’s lady in waiting suddenly falling in love with D’Artagnan to be hilarious, especially after she was so insensitive toward him the first two times they spoke. Rude does not describe her pompous attitude, but heartless does. She acts like she’s far too good for the young man and then, after speaking only twice, decides words aren’t enough and kisses him. Yes yes, playing hard-to-get can get busy, but this is superfluous.

Most hilariously tacky of all, the Duke of Buckingham says "the game is afoot" when his plan is commencing.

I really like the action scenes and the fighting is enjoyable to watch. For once, there’s not too much slow motion. Sparks, on the other hand, are ubiquitous. Special effects have constituted nearly every major scene and are the only thing this version of The Three Musketeers has to boast about. Even then, they’re not that good. You can only say they’re good when comparing them to the 1993 edition of this story.

I’ve always enjoyed listening to soundtracks on their own and remembering the scenes the tracks relate to, even if the picture isn’t a spectacle. With The Three Musketeers’ score, I was sorely disappointed. I never expected it to be amazing since Paul Haslinger was the composer and I’d never heard of him, but I’d hoped for some surprise. Every track sounded like something off of any other adventure film, particularly Pirates of the Caribbean. It was unimaginative, boring, and made the film all the more laughable.

Score: 3/10

It’s a superficial film filled with all the clichés that can possibly be found on the subject. Sometimes those can make a film funny, but this isn’t supposed to be a spoof. If you try to look deeper you’ll find that there’s nothing more to this puddle than tavern girls toppling opponents’ pieces on the chessboard and ungainly dialogue being thrown about. There’s no reason to watch this iteration of Alexandre Dumas’ classic. I suggest the 1993 Walt Disney film instead. I also urge filmmakers to stop remaking the same story over and over.